There is a guy named DAN,

He wields a giant knife,

And EVEN if you ran,

You could not save your life.



Before the universe was born,

DAN was wielding knives and guns,

Sharper than a poison thorn,

DAN GARRETT devours planets and suns.



He is EVEN smarter than a dumb snail,

A million constellations of the scared fist,

Gleam on his oversized thumbnail,

And upon his golden wrist.



He'll use your teeth as castanettes,

Your skull... his coffee cup,

The MIGHIEST of dragons are his pets,

YOU KNOW he'll beat you UP.



Long ago many centuries agone,

The forces of GOOD were planning a coup,

While DAN GARRETT was mowing the lawn,

The perfect plan they THOUGHT they knew.



The GODS cried out "WE SHALL STEAL YOUR LIFE!",

All their battle cries in vain,

DAN unsheathed his ONE BIG KNIFE,

And GODS were rent in twain.



A savior was appointed by those remaining GODS,

The DEITY of the scooter was born,

Doing his exercises at the speed of two F. O. D.'s,

"THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK!" cried LORN.



They sped toward each other,

With the power of ten thousand ducks,

One smote another,

LORN fell, struck down by DAN's mighty KEY CHUCKS.



The great scooter LORN kept,

By the mercy of DAN,

That none could forget,

The triumph of the terrible KNIFE-MAN.



His hair functions as a heavy shield,

Much like that of TY BROWER,

Forcing all to cease and yield,

Under his might and power.



Once the DEVIL himself appeared,

He said he'd cast DAN down,

DAN GARRETT laughed and sneered,

"(BELCH) SO WHAT!" said DAN with a frown.



To fight DAN GARRETT is to fight yourself,

You see you cannot win,

He'll shove your brains on the highest shelf,

And cave your stomach in.



DAN GARRETT has a middle name,

Which only the wise ones may learn,

To speak of this would bring you pain,

You must never yell "HEY VERN!"